More Schools of Magic for Lamentations

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The second part. You can find the first part here.


Magic Vaj, Eldritch Cock

I decided to take the original idea (at the end of the Author’s Notes in Vaginas Are Magic) at its word, mostly.

This is a coed school that only accepts female/male fraternal twins. The sisters and brothers are taught by Witches and Wizards, also twins themselves.

Have the player roll up two characters, the sister and the brother. They can then be played alternately, sister today, brother tomorrow, or brother day, sister night. Or they can be played together as a character-and-henchman duo, making one of them the dominant sibling. I’m sure there are other ways to play twins I’ve not thought of.

Some good magic-like examples of fraternal sibling characters from comics are Fenris and the Beau_bier and Maxi_moff twins. Hell, the spells in these two books will even get you pretty close to some of their power sets.


Space-Age Sorcery

The knowledge in this book hails not from the deep past but from some alternate far future or antagonistic parallel plane. From somewhen between Mythos and Grim-Dark. If your game involves monsters, villains and beingsbetween like Chemo and Despotellis, or the Ogdru Jahad and the Many-Angled Ones (or even just Shrooms and Vandroids) then Space-Age Sorcery is the school for you!

It’s produced by Hereticwerks. Check them out. Their Low-End Loot and Trinkets & Trash tables are fantastic and fit fairly seamlessly into default Lamentations.

I’ve made one addition to the spells, as you’ll see in the pdf. So now there’s an even 80.

[Oh, and if you haven’t played WARBAND! using Space-Age Sorcery as your spell list, you’re doing fun wrong.]

And here’s a quick link to the Dungeon Funk Table. Because laughter is infectious.


Better Than Any Man

I gather this is the book that got the whole level-less spells thing rolling in Lamentations. There are some crazy-powerful “First Level” spells in here.

Goto Better Than Any Man to get your copy. Everything about it is excellent.


Ancient Vaults & Eldritch Secrets

Bat’s been knockin’ it outta the dungeon for a decade.

I think I found all his Wizard spells; there are a lot of them. I haven’t included any from this year ’cause it ain’t over; I might come January. I might not.

Here then are all the Eldritch Secrets from the Ancient Vaults, listed by Cycle (or, you know, year). It should be noted that a disturbance which began in the School’s 13th Cycle developed into the Calamity of Lost Knowledge of the 14th. Because of this, those two Cycles are presented as a single list.

Once you’ve determined your Wizard’s Cycle and three starting spells just goto Ancient Vaults & Eldritch Secrets and use the search field (down a bit on the right) to find them.

Roll a d9:

  1. 9th Cycle
  2. 10th Cyle
  3. 11th Cycle
  4. 12th Cycle
  5. 13th & 14th Cycles
  6. 15th Cycle
  7. 16th Cycle
  8. 17th Cycle
  9. 18th Cycle


I should mention too, there is much to be gained by leafing through the other pages in the Vaults, for they contain many cleric, druid and illusionist Secrets as well as scores of magic items.

[Edit (04/19): In honour of Bat’s TENTH year crafting Secrets in the Vaults, I’ve added his 18th Cycle to the list.]


And finally …

Elves Are Fairies

In my games Elves are Dunsany rather than Tolkien.

Think Vance’s Lyonesse, Shakespeare’s A Midsummer Night’s DreamThree Hearts and Three Lions, Land of Unreason, The Broken Sword, Legend and Changeling: The Dreaming.

This isn’t so much a spell list for a school of magic as it is a part of playing an Elf character, whether PC or N-, in my campaign.

It looks like the version of Theorems & Thaumaturgy I have — that includes Elves as Fey — is no longer available (that link jumps to the new revised ed.). Well, I can’t find it anyway. But I did find this DnlD for the Fey Class on The City of Iron.

Another really cool Fey embellishment from The City of Iron is the Many Fey, Some Fey pair of tables. Highly recommended.

Since The City of Iron links above don’t include all the Fey-specific spells in the pdf list I’ve posted, I included the rest of them here as an image:


P.S.: 🎶 Happy Birthday 🎶 to the E.G.G. and I.

Schools of Magic for Lamentations

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A while ago I had the idea that there are now enough book-, blog-, pdf- and zine-published lists of spells for The Game that it’s easy to think of each as its own School of Magic separate and distinct.

And now that Lamentations has published both Vaginas Are Magic and Eldritch Cock — with their stated and contemplated rule changes for Magic-Users — it seems like the right time to put ink to paper.

Each Wizard is a student of a particular magic school. When a player creates a Wizard character he rolls (currently a d10) on the following — ever expanding — table to determine which School of Magic was his alma mater:

Schools of Magic

  1. Libro Lamentati
  2. Eldritch Weirdness
  3. Magic Vaj, Eldritch Cock
  4. Illusio Primo
  5. Space-Age Sorcery
  6. The Necromican
  7. Better Than Any Man
  8. Ancient Vaults & Eldritch Secrets*
  9. Frostbitten & Mutilated
  10. Wonder & Wickedness (12/XIV)

*: Roll a d8:

  1. 9th Cycle
  2. 10th Cycle
  3. 11th Cycle
  4. 12th Cycle
  5. 13th and 14th Cycles
  6. 15th Cycle
  7. 16th Cycle
  8. 17th Cycle

By way of giving the player some control over his character’s life, the Wizard may choose either the School above or below the one he rolled if he doesn’t like the original result. For these purposes the last entry is above the first, and the first entry is below the last. You get the idea.

Once you know the School, determine the Wizard’s three beginning spells from the tables below and off you go.

Here are the first few I’ve done:

Libro Lamentati

The table includes every spell from the Magic-User list in Rules & Magic.

Though spell levels don’t exist anymore, they’ve been included in the tables to make them rollable sections (using a d9 in this case) should a DM want that option for any reason. And within each level the spells are numbered by die-type, again for rollability.

I’ve also included page numbers for each spell.


The Necromican

A friend gave me a pdf of this mighty tome a few years ago; it’s how I learned about it in the first place.

And if you’ve never feasted on the majesty that is The Necromican, stop reading this now and gorge yourself on the glory. Go read Lizard’s multi-part survey of it here, here, here, here, here, here and here (no, I’m not kidding).

The Necromican is why I started listing page numbers for spells in these tables. It was published in ’79 and that decade had a pretty general “Fuck alphabetical order!” attitude which I appreciate in spirit but which makes finding the text you need right now during play a bit, hmm, I’ll say, shitty.



Eldritch Weirdness

Since Eldritch Weirdness is directly connected to Lamentations through the spells Force of Forbidment and Strange Waters I & II it’s an obvious addition here as it’s own School. It only contains 30 spells, but at one-spell-per-level (per Vaginas are Magic) and campaigns tending to be low-to-mid level anyway (see Playtest Notes in Eldritch Cock), all is well.


Illusio Primo

If you thought page numbers were helpful with The Necromican wait til you get a load of the list of spells for the Illusionist from the Original PHB! In some cases the spell descriptions are Illusionist specifics referring to Magic-User particulars referring to Cleric generalities. For reals.

I’ll follow up with Magic Vaj, Eldritch Cock, Space-Age Sorcery (one of my favourites of all time) and Ancient Vaults & Eldritch Secrets in a bit.

Oh, and Wonder & Wickedness will make you a Sorcerer instead of a Wizard. It’s boss! Get it.

[A note about bizarre dice: I’m a big believer in Purpler Sorcerer GamesCrawler’s Companion ! Select dice on the bottom then batch at the top; in the script roll field enter whatever value you want (e.g., 156 for the Libro Lamentati); hit the Roll button; Boccob’s your uncle!]



When is a Paladin a Paladin?

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I was recently at the National Gallery in London and saw these two paintings of Saint George and the Dragon. Unfortunately I didn’t record when or by whom they were done. But check it out, they can be arranged in sequence.

ACT I, The Charge:


ACT II, Lance In, Sword Out:


In addition to depicting two distinct phases of the battle they also show George gaining divine favour during the engagement. In ACT I he has no halo; in ACT II there it is.

This got me thinking about being — or rather, becoming — a Paladin.

Here’s a thought: instead of a player starting a campaign as already a Paladin, have him start as a Fighter and make his achieving Paladin-hood be an in-game/through-play goal or event.

It could be done purely mechanically with, say, an XP threshold (though that strikes me as boring) or PHB Bard-style, by making the man-who-would-be-Paladin spend x Levels as a (Lawful Good?) Fighter before being able to switch up.

Or it could be done through role-play over something as short as an in-game quest or as long as a campaign-spanning arc. This would allow for road-to-Damascus changes of heart (read: alignment), conversion and blessing.

I like these ideas because whether or not one is a Paladin is not entirely up to oneself. No amount of hard work or good deeds will get you the badge. The higher powers are the only ones who get to make that call. And they don’t make it very often.

[On a not entirely unrelated note, have a classic White Dwarf (ish 20) article:]